iLullaby
by emeralddusk
Summary: Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed. She was alone. Friendship...didn't exist anymore. Not since the accident.


iLullaby

Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her lightly-curled blond locks lay flat against her neck and back as hours passed by like minutes (if minutes had mercy). Having kept her body completely still, the young woman let hot tears well up in her tired eyes. _Why am I crying? I don't even think I'm upset, _she asked herself. _It's because I'm sleeping alone. It's because I don't have Carly to call and talk to anymore. _Sam's gentle perfume lay as a mist above and around her body._ I'm tired...I'm so tired...but I don't wanna sleep. I don't want to wake up not knowing what I feel right now. _Glancing over at a picture of herself and Carly, the blond girl felt her vision depart from her.

Maybe it was sleep that came, but not dreams. Sam Puckett had dreams about food, friends and family, old pets, and iCarly webisodes. Only darkness occupied her mind for those few hours her mind faded. Then, she was awake; just as she had been.

"I know what you're going to do," Freddie had said. "And I know it's not gonna matter, but I'm begging you not to..." Sam looked at her friend. "You're gonna take this on yourself...rip yourself apart because of what happened to Carly. And you're not gonna stop, are you?" The blond girl didn't answer. "It wasn't your fault...please don't do that to yourself; not now." Folding her lips inward to form some sort of hurt smile, Sam avoided eye contact.

Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, staring at the ceiling. Around her, the night was cold, dark, and silent. That silence was blinding. _I hate when it's quiet, _Sam confessed to herself; or maybe she was remembering when she, Carly, and Freddie lay on the floor of the iCarly studio, looking up at the ceiling and sharing a deep confessional and flashback to better days. "Why?" someone had asked her. _Because when it's quiet...I can't leave myself alone._ A hot, blurring tear slid down the young woman's cheek, but she kept it hidden from her friends.

"I love you guys," Carly said that night, looking at Sam and Freddie.

"Thanks, Carls," Sam warmly replied, a smile forming on her face. The tear faded into her soft cheek.

"You two are the best friends I could ever want," Freddie declared, feeling his eyes start to moisten. Outside, the sun was setting, painting the beautiful Seattle sky a breath-taking crimson along the horizon, and an ocean of purple mixed with white stars in the heavens. The lights of the city shined with unrealized brilliance.

Summer was beautiful; in so many ways, it was warm. Friends never had to part, dreams never had to end early, and life was always in its gloriful climax. Gibby had been over earlier, and the four recounted their iCarly experiences. Spencer joined in for awhile before being called over to Socko's for some weird art idea. Outside, the air was warm and gentle as the breeze coursed lightly through the city. However, as great as it was right now, remembering and sharing a beautiful past made it all the more magnificent; all the more painful to remember, to hold, and to have to accept the fact of its loss.

After so long, the trio had finally made it to their Senior year. It was all so exciting. Seasons came and went, letting the earth warm and inspire in the summer, the leaves turn orange and scarlet in Fall, the winds freeze and the land chill in snow in the Winter, and then feel Spring return a new sense of life. Throughout the entire school year, things had changed, but always remained the same in so many ways. Now, that Spring had ended, and those things that were so valued, so eternally same, had faded. _This isn't how it was supposed to be...maybe it's all my fault. They weren't supposed to leave me...Freddie wasn't supposed to disconnect his phone...Carly wasn't supposed to die. _Sniffling back more tears, Sam swallowed a massive lump burning her throat, and tried to forget. The more she tried, though, the more blunt each memory became. Loss was greater, past happiness was more blissful and impossible to find again.

In first grade, Carly Shay met a boy who had a crush on her. His name was Fredward "Freddie" Benson. The two were friends to a degree, but not until meeting Sam Puckett in third grade did she find her first best friend. Since her parents moved away, Carly was raised by her older brother, Spencer, who loved her dearly.

Carly, Sam, and Freddie started doing webisodes called iCarly in the freshman year of high school because of a prank Sam pulled, and the punishment they were given for it. Who knew it would turn into a passion for years to come? Who knew it would lead to meeting wonderful people like Shelby Marx? Who knew it would all hurt so much...now that it came to an end.

"Hey, remember that time we walked into town, and just sat in the dugout on our school's baseball field for an hour?" Sam brought up, feeling warmed by the memory.

"Yeah, that was fun," Carly answered.

"My mom was so mad I came home that late," Freddie added, chuckling a little. "But that was awesome."

The three saw the yellow and red sky of dusk over them as they sat in that dugout that overlooked the busy street. That night was quiet, and the wind was warm and soothing. Sitting on a bench for so long, the three talked and talked about everything: sports, classroom goof-offs, jokes, and the crazy things they planned and did for iCarly. The whole time, Freddie felt a lightness in his stomach. Carly felt a smile constantly fill her face. Sam hoped it would never end, and maintained the feeling for years. The later it got, the more fun and exciting it became. They talked about all the nutty things they did while playing kick the can with the same can they found and kept for over a month. All the laughs returned better than ever before. Finally, it started to get dark, and the three headed back to the Bushwell plaza. This was what life had to be all about; purity, contentment, and a sense of connection and love.

"We were so insane," Carly said, leaning between two soft cushions.

"_Were_?" Sam replied, sounding hurt. After a second of silence, the blond began to laugh. Freddie and Carly joined in, not knowing why they felt so magical. Before they noticed it, the hours slipped away, and it was eleven o'clock. Carly glanced over at the clock on the wall, but only smiled and kept laughing. That smile had faded long ago, and the blond was all alone.

Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, staring at the ceiling. For the first time in her life, she realized she was alone, in need, and desperately crying out for a hug from a loved one.

The group had stayed up much later the night they graduated from Junior year. It may have been unusual, but a formal gradutaion ceremony was held...At least, it was supposed to be formal. Freddie was the first of the iCarly gang to be called up and recieve his diploma. It was hard to imagine; graduation always went moving on, and sometimes moving away. Friends as close as Carly, Sam, and Freddie could never really part, though. That's how it was back then, but all that changed.

"Hey, guys," Spencer greeted as he walked into the living room from the hallway. Sam, Carly, and Freddie looked away from their memories.

"Oh man, it's late," Sam replied. "You want us to go?"

"...Nah," Spencer answered. "Kids should never be sent to bed...you'll always wake up a day older." The young man walked into his bedroom. "Night, guys."

Why do people say you need to grow up? What good does it do? Why become scared, self-conscious, and paranoid when you can stay happy and innocent?

_Why did it all have to change? Why did the dream have to die? It was wonderful and amazing, but we woke up; it was all gone, and it wasn't as good as we thought._

Carly, Sam, and Freddie found themselves hugging, wanting their time together to never end. The embrace felt so pure, so perfect. This was the way it should feel. "I love you guys," Carly mumbled through Freddie's shoulder.

_It's hard to say 'goodbye'_

_You're much more than friends_

_When our good times become memories, they never really end_

_Like ancient rights of passage, it's time to carry on_

_These times we have together: we've got it all._

Carly, Sam, and Freddie hugged one another after Freddie left Valerie. Carly, Sam, and Freddie held one another as the night came to an end. Carly, Sam, and Freddie held one another as they watched episodes of iCarly on Freddie's computer.

Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, staring at the ceiling. She was alone. No one was holding her; no one was there to take it all away. Maybe it was all her fault for all this; maybe she made herself alone.

"Show more appreciation?" Sam burst out, her eyes about to rain over with hot, burning tears. "You already named the show after youself." _I'm sorry, Carly...I didn't mean it. Please know I'm sorry. Don't make me be alone tonight._ A small puddle of hot tears welled up in the blond girl's eyes, then poured all around her cheeks and onto her pillow. _Guys, I'm sorry. Sorry for everything I did._

_This used to be my playground;_

_This used to be our childhood dream._

_This used to be the place we ran to._

_I wish you were standing here with me:_

_I can see your face in our secret place:_

_You're not just a memory_

Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, staring at the ceiling. Her playground had faded; her childhood dream was over, and her best friend was just a memory.

_There's a dream in everyone_

_And it's all real_

Carly, Sam, Freddie, Gibby, and Spencer hugged each other, their eyes closed, and their minds to the future. However, things were magical now. That's all that mattered. There was nothing that could make them fade. As it set, the sun radiated a brief, shining light.

Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, staring at the ceiling. Everything had faded, and the light felt like it went out. Several hours before the sun came up, the blond young woman got out of her bed and took a walk through Seattle. The city was so quiet, when she was alone. Finally, she reached the edge of town, stared at the lake, and then at the small memorial and flowers that were put into place for Carly. "I love you, angel," Sam confessed, kissing her two fingers, then resting them on the rocks that formed the name of her beloved friend.

_Just give it one more try to a lullaby_

_And turn it up on the radio._

_If you can hear me now,_

_I'm reaching out_

_To let you know that you're not alone._

_ Sam lay awake atop the sheets of her bed, her eyes closed as Carly and Freddie held her tightly all night long. They were her lullaby; her promise of a happy tomorrow. "I love you guys," she whispered. And they whispered back, "We love you, too, Sam."_


End file.
